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What Is Codependency?

How can we tell the difference between codependency, which is harmful, and mature faith, which is healthy?

In its simplest form, codependency is an unhealthy attachment to people, behaviors, or things. It’s the belief that we can control our inner feelings by trying to control the people and situations around us. For someone who is codependent, control—or the lack of it—becomes central to every part of life.

Codependency tells us:

  • My value is small, or I have none at all

  • Other people and situations are where the real value lies

  • I have to please others, no matter what it costs me or my values

  • I should let others use me, and I shouldn’t speak up about it

  • I must give all of myself away

  • If I stand up for myself or claim any rights, I’m being selfish

The following inventory can help you in the recognition process as you seek to determine whether your codependency tendencies are reaching a destructive level.
 

  • I assume responsibility for others' feelings and behaviors

  • I feel guilty about others' feelings and behaviors

  • I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling

  • I have difficulty expressing feelings

  • I am afraid of my anger, yet sometimes erupt in a rage

  • I worry about how others may respond to my feelings, opinions, and behavior

  • I have difficulty making decisions

  • I am afraid of being hurt and/or rejected by others

  • I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel

  • I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same

  • I am afraid to express differing opinions or feeling

  • I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own

  • I put other people's needs and desires before mine

  • I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts

  • I judge everything I think, say, or do harshly as never "good enough."" I am perfectionistic

  • I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long

  • I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires

  • I do not perceive myself as a loveable and worthwhile person

  • I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or other's anger

Codependency says
"I have little
or no value"

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To the codependent, control or lack of it is central to every aspect of life.

Another component of codependency is called enabling.

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Enabling is defined as reacting to a person in such a way as to shield them from experiencing the full impact of the harmful consequences of behavior. Enabling behavior differs from helping in that it permits or allows the person to be irresponsible.

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  • PROTECTION - from natural consequences of behavior

  • KEEPING SECRETS - about behavior from others in order to keep the peace

  • MAKING EXCUSES for the behavior - School, friends, legal authorities, work, family members

  • BAILING OUT of trouble - Debts, fixing tickets, paying lawyers, providing jobs

  • BLAMING OTHERS FOR DEPENDENT PERSON'S BEHAVIOR - Friends, teachers, employers, family, self

  • SEEING THE PROBLEM AS THE RESULT OF SOMETHING ELSE - Shyness, adolescence, loneliness, child, broken home

  • AVOIDING the chemically dependent person in order to keep peace - Out-of-sight, out-of-mind

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  • ​GIVING MONEY THAT IS UNDESERVED/UNEARNED

  • ATTEMPTING TO CONTROL - Planning activities, choosing friends, getting jobs

  • MAKING THREATS - that have no follow through or consistency

  • TAKING CARE OF the chemically dependent person - Doing what he/she should be expected to for themselves

If you can identify with any of these tendencies,  you'd benefit from joining our Codependency Small Group.

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There is FREEDOM, HOPE, AND DELIVERANCE waiting for you!

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